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So yesterday I left work early because I felt shitty, literally. I'm not sure how much I can share with you people but to be succinct, shitty is the precise term for what was going on with me. I felt the best thing was if I laid on the couch watch free movies (there are times I love Comcast)

I started my free movie watching with Dick Tracy. Now if I've seen this movie before I either blocked it out of my head, or it was lost in a weed soaked haze along with algebra lessons and that time I was arrested (look it's on my record, so it happened) I do however remember the cartoon they put out on Fox when I was young and it was so terrible it was awesome. I was hoping for the same with this movie... it was not to be. I managed to make it through about 45 minutes of what is essentially Warren Beatty masturbating on screen, before I became disgusted. The only thing that kept me this dreck was trying to figure out who the kid in the movie was and then when I realized it was the little bastard from Hook it just depressed me more and I turned it off.

I then thought of watching Ten Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead. This movie recently came up in conversation with my friends and when I admitted I never saw it they admonished me and said I was an idiot. After having watched it I can now say "Fuck you assholes"

OK maybe that was a bit strong. For those who have never heard of this movie (which at last count was everyone) Andy Garcia plays a reformed Mobster, who gets called in by Christopher Walken to rough up some kid because he was dating the girl Walken's kid was in love with, and losing the girl caused him to go crazy and start touching little girls. Now I've been dumped a lot and it's never turned me into a pedophile, but bad movies need their plots too. So Garcia gets his old gang together consisting of an old pervert (a fine turn by Christoper Lloyd), a psychotic who may or may not be a shit eater (Treat Williams), a tattooed family man (William Forsythe), and the token black guy (Bill Nunn, who was fucking awesome in The Job) .

Now of course the assignment goes south and then Walken gets pissed and orders a hit on the gang with the exception of Garcia who he tells to leave town, but Garcia refuses to because he's loyal. Now it's not that this is a bad movie per se, but I've seen this formula done a million times and it just didn't work for me. Just like every movie of this genre, everyone has their quirks but they really aren't that interesting. There are some fine acting jobs done here. Garcia is a can't miss, Lloyd as I mentioned does a good job and I actually enjoyed Treat Williams, but Walken phoned this one in from across the country and Forsythe was just there, also Jack Warden of Dirty Work fame is supposedly the narrator but it's kinda clumsy and seems thrown in, which is an injustice to Mr Warden, who frequently rocks out with his cock out... or did. Is he dead? Whatever.

As I said it's not a terrible movie it's just not a good movie, the plot gets lost in itself in the last act and Steve Buscemi shows up out of nowhere in a desperate attempt to save it but loses it in the ninth (I'm sorry I suck at metaphors). I guess if you have two hours to kill 'cause you're wife is giving birth or you're waiting for something good to come on you can watch it but I wouldn't recommend it. Watch Dirty Work instead.

Finally the third movie I decided to watch was the Disney remake of the Three Musketeers. Holy shit is this movie awful. This one time I went to the dentist to get a wisdom tooth removed. So they knock me out and I woke up and my pants were undone. That was the most violated I ever felt until I watched this dung heap. There are so many sins in this movie I lost count. Whether it was the terribleness of Kiefer Sutherland never changing his expression, or the non acting of Charlie Sheen, or the ridiculous hair on Chris O'Donnell, or the fact that Rebecca DeMornay was cast for a role in which no nudity was scripted.

This movie is just bad all around. It is so bad that the combined powers of Oliver Platt and Tim Curry can't save it. Oliver Platt alone made Ready to Rumble watchable and Tim Curry is a god (literally, watch Legend) This movie even has Guy of Gisborne in it and I still hated it. I mean when your movie is counting on selling itself on the spoiled son/actors of good actors and a song composed and performed by the likes of Rod Stewart (past his prime), Sting (after The Police) and Bryan Adams (who never had a prime) you are asking to suck, but this movie takes it to new levels.

So that is how I spent my morning off from work, I'm surprised I didn't become more sick.

P.S. I totally didn't realize till I was preparing this post but Gabrielle Anwar was in both Denver and Three Musketeers. She was pretty damn hot in both those movies. What happened to her? Did the coke monster get her? Post your theories as to where she ended up.